100 Things to do After the City: #3 Open an Art Gallery

You’re probably thinking I’m taking the Pissaro, but I’m serious. Anything you see in a swish gallery will attract interest, no one knows what’s good anyway and this will be far cheaper than buying in a job lot of Old Masters. For tips on creating instant art, watch old footage of Jackson Pollock at work. Just imagine you’re at playgroup again: do handprints, headprints, drop the paint from a great height, wee on it if necessary – people love that shit. (Though don’t shit on it. Unless you’re an elephant.) If you think you won’t be able to pull the wool over people’s eyes, think again. Look at the crap Tracey Emin and Damien Hurst churn out: slicing up cows? All the people I’ve ever slept with? Gimme a break.

Next, for each piece, think of a preposterous, extortionate price – then double it, and add a nought on the end for good measure. If it’s expensive it MUST be good. Next: pay a writer (me) to come in and say nice things about your art. Remember: art is 100 per cent subjective so it can never be definitively described as total bobbins, even if it is.

Now pay attention, here comes the science bit: find the poshest gallery space that money can rent in Mayfair, Hampstead or Holland Park and then, er, rent it. That’s vital – don’t actually forget to rent it. Next – and in many ways this is just as important – make sure you hang everything at head height. People don’t buy navel-high art. Now get some of those big bronze statue things in: they tend to go for a fortune, they’ll look really impressive in the window AND unlike your more recent work, they won’t fade. Finally, when you’re all set, buy loads of wine (drunk punters are buying punters) and one of those signs that says OPEN on one side and CLOSED on the other. I thank you.