100 Things to do After the City: #4 Go Back to University

Imagine, though, going back to university as a mature student: not one of the sad ones who sit at the front of the class sucking on Polos and taking copious notes (as opposed to the 18 year olds who sit at the back sucking on each other and taking copious amounts of anything that comes their way) – no, I mean going back to university as a COOL mature student. Just think about it for a second: still handsome despite ten years at the LME, well-dressed, driving a legacy-mobile from your City days, you would cut a swathe through the giggly studendum. Imagine Freshers’ Week: OK, so you’d have to keep the number of Snakebite & Blacks to a minimum, and it wouldn’t be very becoming to pilfer shopping trolleys, pee in a pint glass or play cricket in your halls of residence corridor at 3am. BUT, and don’t pretend you haven’t already thought about this, imagine the girls. You: “Hi. I used to be a trader. I’m a millionaire. Isn’t Sartre great?” Her: “A trader? Wow! I like your shirt! My shoulder’s a bit achy. Could you give me a massage? In my room? Say 3ish?” So, it’s imperative you’re still in good shape – overweight or saggy and you’re a granddad in their eyes and only good for conversations about the birth of Thatcherism.

But enough of the Hedonistic Imperative – what about education? Speaking personally I’d love to go back to uni – think of all the girls…sorry, we’re onto education aren’t we? So, yes, what do you fancy brushing up on – Ancient Greek? History? Surfing Studies (I believe there’s a course at East Sussex)? I reckon you’d LOVE it. Relive those student days: go to gigs, miss lectures, lie in bed ’til 3 – or f*ck it, don’t even get up. Buy a guitar. Grow your hair. Grow your own cannabis. Get thrown out. Come crawling back to UBS. Plead with them. Start again on Monday. It’s all mapped out for you!