Shock Update: Lloyds Boss Feeling ‘Bit Sleepy’

“One of our senior directors was reading to Antonio his morning story when he claims he heard a stifled yawn,” said Head of Emergencies, Haile Strung. “Someone then had to be sent out to get Mr Horta-Osório some more money.”

Concerns have been growing since Monday when Mr Horta-Osório returned to work after a two-month absence in a pair of Sponge Bob slippers.

During a brief photocall outside the bank’s head office in Gresham Street, the 47-year old said he was trying his best “to be a brave soldier” but might need a “little bit of snuggle-pops.”

Mr Horta-Osório was in the middle of implementing his strategic vision for the bank last September when he suddenly realised that he’d rather be at home watching television instead.

In his absence experts spent months padding Mr Horta-Osório’s desk and redecorating his office with new wallpaper featuring the Lloyds boss’s favourite fictional character, Eric Daniels, The Greedy Hamster.

Doctors say Mr Horta-Osório might be suffering from ‘Tevez Syndrome’, a rare condition in which someone is paid an enormous amount of money to do something but decides not to bother.

If he does reappear at the office this week, it is understood he will meet with colleagues who will demonstrate what has been happening at the bank in his absence by throwing lumps of excrement at a large fan.