Panic in City Over Moral Outbreak

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said one, “this could have a really serious impact on the size of people’s wallets.”

The government has urged people to remain calm and materialistic, warning that if the outbreak spreads it would have unwanted side-effects on accountants and tarty gold-diggers.

Medical opinion is so far divided on the symptoms of the outbreak with some doctors warning it might only be limited to chief executives in the public eye and others saying it could just be restricted to sleepy Portuguese men who can’t cope.

Doctors say that at about lunchtime on Friday the first case emerged in which a man returning to work after spending a few months watching telly mumbled something to his colleagues about an “adverse impact on shareholders.”

Minutes later he was seen dictating a press release and claiming he knew the tough financial circumstances normal people were facing.

“Luckily this man is still on £1.1 million in basic pay so hopefully this gesture hasn’t caused excessive damage to his greed buds,” said his fund manager.

The outbreak has stoked fears of a full-blown City epidemic and people are being urged to look out for colleagues who show any signs of having a conscience.

“We’re urgently monitoring the situation incredibly closely and hope that this morality outbreak is just limited to this one case,” said an American marine urinating on a corpse.