‘We’re Running Out Of Thoughts’ Warns Think-Tank

The Ernst & Young Item Club - whose motto is ‘that’ll be £1200 please’ - said that a lack of original ideas, combined with a really heavy weekend, had resulted in it sending out a flimsy press release about the UK being in recession.

“We all knew it was lazy and unhelpful when we wrote it,” said the Item Club’s chief economic adviser, Barry Drunk. “But we knew that even silly rubbish like this would make the headlines.”

In its report, ‘Things Are Getting Worse’, the think-tank also warned that things are getting worse and aren’t as good as they used to be, “mostly due to foreigners and women”.

It slashed expectations of anything useful or constructive coming out of its office in 2012 but said that that was no guarantee that it wouldn’t continue to make things up

“These think-tanks just create unnecessary panic and only a complete fool would waste their life making forecasts”, said a leading forecaster.

In other embarrassing revelations, the government has apologised after Education Secretary Michael Gove said the Queen should be given a new yacht to “lift the country’s spirits”.

“I can’t believe that a senior public figure could come up with something that cheesy,” said a piece of Anthony Worrell-Thompson’s stolen brie.