UK Looks For Something Else To Get Angry About

With the subject threatening to leave news agendas for another twelve months, many editors desperate for inflammatory content were forced to publish old photos of Timmy Mallett.

And as news spread that the RBS boss had rejected his bonus, the Mirror had to belatedly replace its two-page Hester hate spread with a special pull-out section of ‘Other Bald Men With More Money Than You.’

“We’re hearing horror stories of people speechless on radio phone-ins,” said an expert. “There’s a real risk that in the next 24 hours even the most bigoted drunks will have nothing to say.”

Aid workers have been recruited to generate angry, clichéd ranting in parts of the country worst affected by uncomfortable silences.

Volunteers have been spotted putting leaves on busy commuter train lines while others have been handing out free copies of the Daily Mail as well as photos of Diane Abbott and Bob Crow.

“We just need one bit of CCTV footage of a mad old woman putting a cat in a bin to get this country properly angry again,” said one.

Homelessness charities, meanwhile, said they were running out of options as they desperately tried to find a home for Mr Hester’s rejected £1 million of RBS shares.

“It’s very sad, but no one seems to want them,” said one. “It’s almost as though they’re completely worthless.”