Everything Ok Again After Goodwin Loses Knighthood

“We all felt better almost immediately,” said several hundred former RBS workers huddled under Waterloo Bridge.

Every single institution in the country reported that “things were much better now” after it was confirmed that Sir Fred Goodwin would once again become known as ‘that berk who ruined RBS’.

At exactly midnight, special forfeiture teams – working directly on the orders of Her Majesty – said they had successfully managed to prise the three letters away from Mr Goodwin following a bitter linguistic battle at his castle in Mordor.

“Let no man think they will be able to get away with being rewarded for overseeing failed institutions that cost the livelihoods of thousands of innocent people,” said the Prime Minister. “Except for Sir Tom McKillop, Sir James Crosby, Sir Peter Burt and all the other ones.”

“This decision proves that we are serious when it comes to tackling financial mismanagement,” said Chancellor George Osborne. “All we need to do now is get back that £45 billion.”

As calm and prosperity were restored to God’s own land, senior public figures united to congratulate the government on its brave decision.

“Goodwin is nothing but an arrogant crook who cheated the public and cheated on his wife. Governments should not be rewarding liars in this way,” said Lord Archer.

“This move shows that business figures must not be rewarded for pompous, bullying self-aggrandisement,” said Sir, now Lord, Sugar.

“It’s appalling that public figures who contribute nothing useful to British life are ennobled,” said Sir Bruce Forsyth.

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment.