‘Recession Less Likely’ Admit Furious Pessimists

“These figures are deeply disappointing and all we can do is try to carry on trying to scare people with stories about eurozone collapse, stagnation and the dangers of John Terry,” said a man in a black cloak carrying a scythe.

Increasing activity in the UK services sector, a fall in insolvencies and better-than-expected US jobs figures meant that many newspapers had to fill their business pages with pictures of snow.

The positive data also meant that today’s Daily Mail was reduced to just four pages of photos showing old people shivering to death and a double-page feature about the link between warm clothing and AIDS.

“A little bit of good economic news doesn’t mean we’re out of the woods yet,” said a man lost in a dense forestry.

Despite initial gains, the FTSE 100 fell back a little on news that there were still some Liberal Democrats left in government.

There were also some concerns inside Westminster that a sudden boost in the UK economy could result in a ‘two-speed Europe’.

“If the UK did find itself speeding ahead of the rest of the pack we do have emergency measures in place,” said a spokesman, “and we’d simply blame it on one of our wives.”