The company is said to be shedding 30,000 staff worldwide after allegedly only ever printing on one side of the page since 1939. With further accusations that it lets employees print out emails, often in colour “when colour is not required”, HP Chief Executive Meg Whitman has promised to tackle the culture of waste.
“Printing on one side of the page for the last 70 years has cost us a great deal of market share,” said Whitman while unlocking a paper jam. “From now on everyone is to print and flip, plus no more use of fancy fonts - OK?”
HP, which also apparently makes laptops, is said by industry insiders to be “off the pace”, “outmoded” and “sorry, but their products look crap compared to Apple”. HP has responded by releasing a wind-up printer that glows in the dark.
“I strongly recommend that Hewlett change its name to Kumquat,” said brand consultant, Hilary Image-Conscious. “All the big companies have fruit titles. Anything with a hyphen is certainly a no-no. It reminds people of the war.”
In an official statement HP promised shareholders it would ban the use of the word "and" to save ink.
Not a member?
To share your thoughts sign up now. You'll also be entered into the weekly lunchtime lottery.