UK Economy 'Could Shrink To Size of Peanut' If Heat Wave Persists

The Office for National Statistics has warned Britain that if the economy is left in direct sunlight over the weekend it will be “too dehydrated to function” by Monday. Parasols and summerhouses are currently being sourced by the Bank of England in an effort to avoid such a scenario.

“It is vital we learn from the mistake of Greece, who left its economy out one hot Tuesday only to find it parched and crawling into a well the following morning,” said a well-paid consultant with no communication skills.

News that Britain’s economy shrank by 0.3 and not 0.2% has led doctors to conclude that it is currently unable to retain either water or money.

“This is, like, really bad?” said a man in Shoreditch.

With the weather unrelenting and the economy contracting, pressure is on George Osborne to find a way to stimulate growth. However the chancellor was unavailable for comment as he was attending an all-you-can-shoot safari in Kent.

“The economic model we should be imitating is the one first outlined by Karl Marx in Das Kapital,” noted famed socialist, Vince Cable.