Boring comments about cold beer and barbecues surged by 72% on Friday as desperate workers faced an onslaught of passé jokes about the hose pipe ban.
“The only way I could survive was to pretend for three solid days that I’d had a stroke,” said a trader from RBS. “This is even more boring than the Olympic torch relay.”
The City was said to be at breaking point with many workers claiming they were unable to stop themselves saying things like ‘Phew, it’s hot outside’ and ‘Any plans for the weekend?’
Three workers at Credit Suisse were even given a conditional discharge after battering a colleague to death who had started to describe his new lawnmower.
Bars and restaurants in the Square Mile said they had been overwhelmed by fat sweating men in suits saying things like “They say that August could be amazing,” “Apparently it’s warmer than Hawaii” and “Look at that one over there – you can see right up her kipper.”
Analysts also urged City workers to avoid newspapers, warning that over 98% of them were now filled with photos of fruity girls splashing around in fountains and desperate weather-related front pages including:
‘Baking Britain Goes Beach Barmy’ (The Daily Telegraph)
‘Beach Baps Special: Eight Page Pull-Out’ (The Financial Times)
‘Garden Furniture Causes Cancer’ (The Daily Mail)
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