'We Don't Want Bailout' Pretends Spanish Minister

De Guindos, who is regarded as having an "on-off relationship with the truth", was said to have experienced a “pain between the eyes” and a “four inch lengthening of the nose” following his remarks.

“We asked Luis to attend a polygraph test,” said dubious-looking European Commissioner, Michel Barnier. “He says he can't make it. We'll probably find out this is a lie, too.”

Mr de Guindos told a gathering of press that his government had “absolutely not” discussed any intervention in Spain’s banks, while crossing his fingers.

“Now is the time to act, not fudge,” said local fudge shop owner, Jacques Hacques. “We all like fudge but there comes a time when not even fudge will do.”

Hacques’ comments were echoed by David Cameron and Barack Obama, who last night engaged in a video conference powered by the 'Three' telephone network. The pair concluded that without decisive action the eurozone had only weeks left.

“So get a bloody wiggle on,” said the President.