Diamond Forgoes Bonus and With it Chance to Buy Hawaii

Diamond, who looks just like a normal person, was hoping to purchase the US state of Hawaii with his 2012 windfall. He is now having to set his sights lower and may end up renting the whole of France for the summer.

“I even ate a Hawaiian pizza last night in preparation for ownership of the Aloha State,” said a red-eyed Diamond. “This is a very difficult time for me. I hope you’ll understand if slope off and buy three castles.”

Diamond’s tough decision came after the FSA fined Barclays a record £60m for Libor manipulation and made it sit on the naughty step outside the Bank of England on Threadneedle Street.

“It’s vital we clean up our act here at Barclays,” said Diamond before insisting the entire company take a two week shower.

Others who declined a bonus for 2012 include Barclays Capital boss Rich “Yes I Am Thanks” Ricci and chief operating officer Jerry del “Boy” Missier.