Osborne believes the opportunity to attach electrodes to the testicles of the Barclays boss could trigger a “national catharsis” and enable the country “to smile once more”.
“Bob’s been a bad boy and everyone hates him, even me,” said the chancellor. “Based on the intelligence we’ve received it seems people would rather hurt him than hear him speak. The questions can follow.”
Various forms of torture have been mooted by Osborne. These include Chinese burns, waterboarding, heavy slaps and an evening with Mervyn King.
“Personally I think stocks would be good,” said Osborne. “Or even shares. Ha ha ha. Oh.”
Bob Diamond is said to be “deeply ashamed” of not getting away with fiddling the Libor rate and will do anything he can to remove the culture of systematic dishonesty that exists at Barclays once he’s dead.
“I promise,” he said.
Meanwhile David Cameron backed up Osborne's insistence that Diamond has some “serious questions” to answer. Their shortlist includes:
- How did World War I begin?
- What is another name for manic depression?
- How are cows killed in an abattoir?
- When will the world end?
- What’s the saddest face a dog has ever pulled?
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