Agius Resignation Makes Huge Difference To Everything

Entire cities came to a standstill and people across the country were left in shock as news spread that Marcus Agius had been hastily forced to re-think his summer plans.

Many people were left aghast as they tried to come to terms with the idea that someone else would have to replace him.

“I don’t know what to do as this news obviously has a huge impact on my entire future,” said a single mother in Hull.

“This is just devastating and will undoubtedly affect everything we do,” said everyone else.

News channels cut to slow-motion footage of Marcus Agius sitting at a desk looking at bits of paper as reporters desperately tried to put the story into words that might be interesting.

Many networks, realising their lack of footage, simply broadcast hastily assembled graphics showing Mr Agius falling on a cartoon sword.

In the wake of the resignation, Barclays immediately promised a “root and branch review” of its business practices, leading to attacks that the bank was clearly trying to dodge a review of its leaves, flowers and sap.

It is believed that in the short-term Barclays will replace Mr Agius with another silver-haired man of a similar age but in the long-term may attempt to save money and simply replace him with a life-sized dartboard.

“Obviously at this stage it is too early to say who will be replacing Mr Agius but it will almost certainly a man,” said Barclays Head of Announcements, Philip Lie-Bore.