“It’s incredible that this bank has been trying to support a small business when it should be laundering money for Mexican drug cartels and Iranian jihadists,” said US regulator Chuck Cowboy.
“These allegations are extremely serious and potentially very damaging to large numbers of dodgy men living in caves,” said the Iranian government’s Head of Semtex, Beardi al-Weirdi.
Investigators say they have concrete proof that the bank concerned repeatedly held meetings with the owners of the small business at which friendly, supportive words were exchanged over warm drinks and chocolate digestives.
It’s believed that a small “loan” was later agreed which would be paid back in “instalments” using a “standing order”.
Among the violations, the bank is also accused of:
- Having nice friendly offices
- Having comfy chairs
- Smiling at customers
- Using customers’ first names
- Not trying to rip everyone off
The allegations come after HSBC was accused by the US Senate of failing to prevent money ending up in the hands of Mexicans.
“We have absolutely no further comment to make on matters of substance,” said Tony Scarface, HSBC’s Head of Marching Powder.
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