Barclays Bank packing its suitcase

Barclays chief executive Reg Varney explained: “They won’t have Barclays Bank to kick around any more. We can go whenever and wherever we want. The Americans, they recognise a quality bank when they see one. They understand talent. Or there’s the Maldives. I quite fancy setting up operations over there, actually.”

It is understood that the bank are also growing increasingly frustrated with life in the UK, with directors thrashing out a list of complaints during a recent high-ranking workshop session.

In an exclusive extract, we can reveal that Barclays top brass have had enough of Piers Morgan (“smug little blirt with his slappable face and Belgian footballer hair,” said one exec); the rock band Muse (“and I thought Coldplay were a load of insipid crap”); Outnumbered (“stupid bastard look-at-me drama school kids and their irritating Muse-listening parents, about as funny as having your kneecaps drilled”); Adrian Chiles (“looks like he hangs around playgrounds; no forehead, no charisma, no post-World Cup career”); Foxton’s Estate Agents (“red jean-wearing West London wasters who think they’re ‘creative’, shoot the bastards”); supermarkets (“yes I want a bag you dozy twat”) and Gordon Ramsay (“a total arse-water of a man”).

When pushed for a comment on the leaked document, Varney would only offer, “I’m sure all banks are responsibly considering what their options might be… I rather like Muse, as it goes. Really powerful live.”