At last, we’re a nation of dole scum, says chancellor

“This is exactly the kind of impetus the nation needs at such a critical point of deficit reduction. It is the proof we needed that we are at last a nation of scrounging dole scum and can finally be proud to be poor,” said the Chancellor during the speech at ‘Wine & Mags’ in Neasden.

The Chancellor went on to predict that by the end of the year most people in Britain would be living on just one ready meal a day, the rest of their benefits going on tattoos and dangerous dogs.

“Our aim is to ensure that by continually talking the country down we will lead the rest of Europe in teenage pregnancies,” Mr Osborne continued, “and by the end of the financial year I want graffiti on every single bus shelter in the country and the elderly to be cowering behind their front doors.”

Confirmation by such a senior minister that the UK is finally a nation of scummers sent the pound plummeting. At the close of trading, there were international bargains galore, with significant investment coming from China. Said city trader, Mr Huen-Ka:

“I managed to snap up the whole of Wales for just one pound. Bit of a shit-hole but it’ll make a lovely car park”