Triple whammy of company profits fills UK with joy

After the success in returning the Gulf of Mexico to a black, primeval solid and making it possible to drive from the US to Cuba, BP posted profits of £1.1bn in the third quarter of 2010.

Bob Fuddle, the company’s new chief executive said the results showed that the company was ‘on the road to recovery’ and promised another year ‘full of spills and explosions’.

Following a savvy takeover of HBOS and a successful policy of diverting funds out of the Bank of England and into a van parked outside its back gates, Lloyds Banking Group announced it was also on track for its first profit since the banking crisis.

Outgoing chief executive Eric Spaniels indicated that staff could expect to share in the improved results, saying:

"The good full-year result means some high street branches may receive extra biscuits."

And Ryanair – the self-styled ‘world’s favourite thieves’ – completed the trio of good results, raising profit forecasts for the year and promising customers another twelve months of increased fares, lost baggage and hidden taxes.

The airline's chief executive, Michael O'Dearodear added that the results would enable him to run his entire fleet on "the blood of new born babies and the crushed skulls of pensioners".

In other news:

• Tony Hayward to replace Angel of the North
• Margaret Thatcher returns home as ‘strength returns to claws’
• ITV revive ‘Game For A Laugh’ featuring pranks in which Fred Goodwin steals sweets from children in hospices
• Timmy Mallett ‘still alive’