The Oscars are finally upon us! 

An opportunity to celebrate the wonder of cinema, rewards the performances of our finest actors, and either ignore or confront the rather large elephant in the room. (He's called 'Harvey'.) 

Yet despite the tumult of the last six months, you can still rely on a few Oscar certainties. 

A winner from one of the minor categories (animated short?) will speak for fourteen minutes. 

At least three pre-scripted jokes will fall utterly flat. 

All the losers will look positively beatific at not claiming the highest accolade their industry has to offer. 

Coverage of what people wore > coverage of which people won. 

Yes, pretty much every publication will run an article entitled 'Red Carpet Winners and Losers' or some variation. 

Here's how to ensure you make the good team...